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February 22nd, 2008

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November 22nd, 2006

09:19 pm - Thankful for... My parents For being a "secure base" (yeah-attachment has taken over my life), for always telling me how much they love me and how proud they are of me, for supporting me in everything I do, and for just being amazing parents in general My sisters and Brian "A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost." For letting me act like I'm 10...for making me proud of all the amazing things they do...for making sure I know I'm still loved even though I'm the non-Cornellian and whatnot. For letting me live with you and for letting me hang out with your friends. For being generally amazing and loving and making me smile and supporting me in everything. For being the best sisters I could ever ask for... Regardless "it's hard to find someone who will love you no matter what. i was lucky enough to find three." For square and regardless and yellow ribbon and olives and cookies and e-mails and chat rooms and support through everything and listening to me complain and generally putting up with me. IOEA For San Diego and random e-mails and girls' nights and shopping and dinners and no boundaries and being blunt and making me laugh and smile when I'm having a horrible day. For being "sisters" and listening to me complain and being sarcastic and letting the youngin' stick around with you all this time. Hovey Buddies I miss my Hovey Buddies (and extended-including Ry and Amy and whatnot) like crazy. College would not have been college without them. For puckers and trampolines and Love Actually and Elf and handymen and spider killers and weddings and study parties and crappy TV and ice cream and birthday parties and so much more. For being the best roommates I could ask for... The Boys For putting up with my bitterness and my bitchiness and still being there when I really need you. For giving me perspective on things. For making me feel loved. For making me laugh...all the time. For being my gay best friend. For telling me every detail. For letting me ramble to you. For understanding that I don't always make sense. For still being you. For being BAMFA. GG girls/SCB For Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving and chocolate cake and gossip and eating and laughing and sharing and Jess vs. Dean and chasing Mocha and coffee and errands and fun. Hebrew School Girls For memories from preschool and Camp Tikvah, OSRUI, Hebrew school, retreats, BTTY, and more. For Barbies and passing notes and dances and services and Bat Mitzvah's and keeping in touch through it all. N-Unit For adopting me into your apartment. For star gazing and Chuckee Cheese and Fat Jack's and limos and shopping. For driving to Champaign to meet me for breakfast early on a Saturday. For facebook messages and text messages and entertainment and being amazing. Atkin 6 For all the memories, for yahoo group e-mails and updates and memories and rice krispie treats and floor dinners. For White Christmas and formals and crocheting and floor t-shirts. SACers For all the memories and #1 floats and school spirit and organization and productivity and fun and SAC Smacks and the fight song and picnics and green monkeys and much much more. Up Til Dawn-ers For helping me do something worthwhile. For helping me realize how amazing St. Jude is...For Memphis trips and fake names and fundraising and jello wrestling and t-shirts and hoodies and road trips. Hillel-ers For entertaining me and welcoming me even when I stopped coming so often and randomly checking in and putting up with me when I was going crazy as President a few years ago. Developmental-ies Lucky to have girls I get along with so well who are in all my classes and can complain with me and distract me and send e-mails and play yahoo games and help with homework and throw wine parties and give feedback on papers and make me feel like I'm not alone in the craziness that is grad school. Labbies For making the gazillion hours I spend in the lab bearable. For entertaining me with stories and helping me get crap done and comments about hating random things and discussing TV and coding interact and enjoying two-daddy families and noodles n co. and happy hours. Roommates For being nice and clean and putting up with me and baking and sharing movies and inviting me places and making me feel less alone. Uncategorized :oP For all of you that didn't fit under one of those headings (Nicole, Megan, Melissa, Zajicek, Rachel Poulin, Stacey, Kristine, Conant kids and ISU kids I randomly hear from on IM or see when I'm home and more...but those were the people I could think of that might actually read this sometime :oP)...For late-night catch-up conversations, for Since You Been Gone, for mac and cheese and witches and worm hunts and growing up together, for making me feel important, for depending on me, for teaching me life lessons, for memories and support and keeping in touch. For being my friend. Professors For recommendation letters and supporting me and teaching me and mentoring me. For sometimes making me feel like I'm less than an idiot. For inspiring me. For realizing everyone makes mistakes sometimes. For recognizing the work I put into things. Rachel For inspiring me daily. For reminding me what's important in life. For motivating me to get involved in things like Make-A-Wish and Up Til Dawn. For having gone all out in everything you ever did. For biore pore cleanser and waffle houses and 'do you do that' and surprise parties and decorations and boy stories and doing hair and so many memories. For making sure we all knew how much you cared. Friends' parents/Aunts/Uncles/Grandparents For random cards and updates and IMs and e-mails and calls and support. For making me feel like I am/was an important part of your daughter's life. For telling me how proud you are of me. And SO much more. But I realize it's mostly the people that make it. The things...are mostly because of people: picture frames and scrapbooks to remind me of the memories with these people, internet so I can keep in touch with all these people, Gilmore Girls and Grey's...which I love to talk to people about, traveling with and to people I love, cards, letters, and packages to and from friends... And then there are the little things: coffee, nice weather, quotes, reading for fun, chick flicks, Disney movies, hoodies, all the little things that we often take for granted that can make any day brighter... Just good to remind myself every once in awhile. I know I'm lucky-and I'm reminded every time I get a random IM or text or card or e-mail from someone who makes me smile and makes my day a little brighter. I'm thankful that I think I've found the right path for me-that grad school's challenging and stressful, but it's something that I really care about and think is the right thing for me. And while going along this path, the people I love make everything worth it. And reminding myself not to take it all for granted...and to thank all of you whenever I can...is what Thanskgiving is all about, right? Corny, I know. But I figure I don't update lj too often-might as well make it worth something. So, thank you!!! I love you. Current Mood: thankful

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March 21st, 2006

03:35 pm - one-sided conversation of grad school ramblings... lilgrson 22: pretty much narrowed down to two schools lilgrson 22: so many factors to consider though :-\ "are you leaning towards either school more than the other right now?" lilgrson 22: i was leaning toward maryland lilgrson 22: but a major part of that is just kinda because i want to go somewhere new "but what makes U of I seem better?" lilgrson 22: well... lilgrson 22: u of i's technically higher ranked lilgrson 22: and a larger program lilgrson 22: kinda more well-established lilgrson 22: but the prof at maryland is also well-established lilgrson 22: but she just moved to maryland lilgrson 22: setting up a new lab and whatnot lilgrson 22: which could be a cool experience lilgrson 22: and they both offered me fellowships lilgrson 22: but u of i's was actually for more money...and the cost of living is much cheaper there lilgrson 22: i'm visiting u of i again in a couple weeks lilgrson 22: and then i figure i'll decide that first week in april lilgrson 22: a part of me really wants to go somewhere new lilgrson 22: and DC's east coast...so it's not as far as oregon lilgrson 22: and closer to boston too lilgrson 22: and not too far from family in NJ and NY and whatnot lilgrson 22: but much more expensive lilgrson 22: and not necessarily as safe of an area lilgrson 22: wanna hear my shpeel (no idea how to spell that) about both? lilgrson 22: k lilgrson 22: here goes lilgrson 22: so..................... lilgrson 22: maryland: lilgrson 22: the prof is just moving there from chicago lilgrson 22: she's well-established and respected in the field and whatnot lilgrson 22: knows what she's doing lilgrson 22: has some awesome research plans set up lilgrson 22: and a really nice lab space that's currently being set up and almost ready to be used lilgrson 22: she has no current grad students with her lilgrson 22: so i'd have no direct mentors or whatever i guess in the lab lilgrson 22: which has its positives and negatives lilgrson 22: cause i wouldn't have people to really look up to right then lilgrson 22: and help guide me lilgrson 22: but i'd have more one on one interaction with her lilgrson 22: and id' kinda be on the top of the totem pole for the future lilgrson 22: i'd see firsthand the whole process of setting up a lab really lilgrson 22: which could be cool for the future lilgrson 22: and i wouldn't have to fight over studies or participants or whatever lilgrson 22: and it's not like she's completely new...so it's not really risky lilgrson 22: but the division is really small right now lilgrson 22: there are only two profs in the developmental division lilgrson 22: and some people say it's important to have a bigger department and whatnot lilgrson 22: but they plan on hiring someone this coming year lilgrson 22: and another the following year lilgrson 22: and they're kinda in this growth process lilgrson 22: well, some people say it's important to have many people to go to lilgrson 22: like, if you end up just not clicking with your advisor, you can work with other peopel lilgrson 22: people lilgrson 22: but really, i would probably just work with her anyway lilgrson 22: and although their department isn't as big, when i visited, i met with people in different departments-human development, linguistics, speech and hearing...and they all seem to want to work together a lot lilgrson 22: she was nice lilgrson 22: she had me over to her house for dinner and everything lilgrson 22: and her old grad students had only good things to say about her as an advisor which is a good sign lilgrson 22: yeah lilgrson 22: when i visited, they paid for my flight, a hotel room, a limo, and all my food while i was there lilgrson 22: craziness lilgrson 22: that's the general gist with that program in particular lilgrson 22: and then there's the location factor lilgrson 22: it's somewhere new lilgrson 22: which could be exciting lilgrson 22: but also kinda scary lilgrson 22: i wouldn't know anyone lilgrson 22: i'd need to find housing by myself there lilgrson 22: and it's more expensive lilgrson 22: and not as safe lilgrson 22: could be kinda lonely lilgrson 22: i dunno lilgrson 22: since the department's smaller and whatnot lilgrson 22: and then a lot of grad students go to school with a husband or wife or something and aren't extremely social, ya know? lilgrson 22: but yeah lilgrson 22: but, also, it's near a city lilgrson 22: which could be exciting lilgrson 22: being able to go to DC all the time and explore and whatnot lilgrson 22: the weather's somewhat milder there i think lilgrson 22: the campus was really pretty lilgrson 22: so yeah lilgrson 22: lots and lots of factors to consider lilgrson 22: illinois... lilgrson 22: the program's technically higher ranked lilgrson 22: like, according to us news and whatnot, it's 5th in the nation lilgrson 22: it's a bigger department lilgrson 22: the prof i'd work with there is really nice too lilgrson 22: and she's really well known and established and respected and whatnot lilgrson 22: her lab is up and running lilgrson 22: and she has a few grad students already lilgrson 22: i think all of her current grad students are actually from china lilgrson 22: and english isn't their first language lilgrson 22: so that's kinda interesting lilgrson 22: umm lilgrson 22: she's actually french canadian lilgrson 22: and has a cute accent lilgrson 22: and then there are a lot of other people who work in her lab for a few things but are really based in other labs lilgrson 22: so, the big, well-established lab could be good lilgrson 22: but it could also mean that i have less flexibility with what i do and less interaction with the prof herself lilgrson 22: and it's collaborative-meaning everyone helps with everyone else's studies lilgrson 22: which could be cool to learn about all of them lilgrson 22: but yeah lilgrson 22: and the cost of living is lower there lilgrson 22: but it's still in central illinois lilgrson 22: and i feel like it'd be hard to stay in central illinois and have some people be there at first lilgrson 22: which would be kinda weird to mix worlds lilgrson 22: and then to have everyone else go somewhere new and i'd still be stuck in central illinois lilgrson 22: and i guess it'd be more comfortable lilgrson 22: cause i kinda know the area lilgrson 22: and know some people there lilgrson 22: and know lots of people nearby lilgrson 22: like around other parts of central illinois lilgrson 22: and obviously up at home lilgrson 22: but i don't know if comfortable's good lilgrson 22: or if i want to outstep my boundaries for once lilgrson 22: i kind of think i'm ready for something new lilgrson 22: cause even if it is more comfortable, a part of me feels like it would be even more stressful because of that lilgrson 22: because i'd feel the need to balance people and whatnot lilgrson 22: but then i don't want to go to maryland just because it's not illinois lilgrson 22: ya know? lilgrson 22: i e-mailed the postdoc i worked with this summer lilgrson 22: cause she actually works in the field lilgrson 22: and i asked her what she thought lilgrson 22: cause i was like, well, i'm basically deciding between these two schools lilgrson 22: i've heard people say that where you go decides your future lilgrson 22: and it's important for the school to be good and whatnot lilgrson 22: and i was like, i know illinois is technically higher ranked according to us news and whatnot, but i wanted to know her opinion as someone within the field lilgrson 22: and i was like, i know maryland has a smaller division right now and i didn't know whether you thought this would be a problem or... lilgrson 22: so, to my question about the importance of the grad school for the future, she said "That's true, but another factor that *really* matters is your primary advisor - are they good? do they have a good reputation? do you like them and work well with them?" lilgrson 22: and then when i was asking about ranking and size and whatnot: "At Maryland I assume you'd work with Amanda Woodward? That's a great option - and I think she makes up for the small department by being herself fabulous - rigorous, creative, and very well respected in the field. Plus, DC is great (I'm in DC now, visiting). Lucky you, to have that choice." lilgrson 22: and about illinois: "Oh yes, Renee is also very good, and very well respected. Those are good choices; from an outside perspective, you can't go wrong. So it's down to personal factors. Who was your favourite, for talking about science? Who gives you good vibes personally?" lilgrson 22: evenly matched for pros and cons causes problems lilgrson 22: uch lilgrson 22: stupid life decisions lilgrson 22: they're both infant cognition kinds of labs lilgrson 22: i'm really interested in the work the prof at maryland is planning on doing lilgrson 22: and there are a lot of different kinds of things going on at the u of i lab lilgrson 22: but i don't know if it's all necessarily in the area i'm most interested lilgrson 22: i'm going to talk to that prof about it more when i visit again next week lilgrson 22: i go through periods where i'm excited about the possibilities lilgrson 22: then ones where i'm scared out of my wits lilgrson 22: and ones when i'm really nervous lilgrson 22: or upset lilgrson 22: or apathetic lilgrson 22: or... lilgrson 22: i'm quite a mood swing The general repsonse: "It seems like they're pretty evenly matched for pros and cons" Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: bass of some car outside

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March 1st, 2006

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February 26th, 2006

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October 16th, 2005

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September 7th, 2005

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June 19th, 2005

04:26 pm So, I've tried writing two entries since being here, but I think ended up either deleting or privatizing both of them. Eh? I was really moody for awhile. So, my entries were generally written when I was really stressed out or upset or whatever. And I didn't want to publicly bitch and whine so much, so I made them private. Anyway, here are the decent parts of them: "I finished my first week of work...although it seemed like it was a lot longer than that. Work's definitely going to keep me very busy. I'll be reading articles, scheduling, running studies, coding, presenting, discussing, and all sorts of other things. I'm sure it'll all be good experience, but at the beginning it's all just a little bit overwhelming. I'm working with two different postdocs on their research and they're both more than a little intimidating. As an example, the one went to Oxford undergrad, got her PhD at MIT, is doing her postdoc at Harvard, and was offered faculty positions at MIT and Berkeley, so she's going to be a professor at MIT in the fall. Craziness. I have to present on Thursday already, and I start running infants tomorrow." (I actually did present...it went alright. The postdoc whose research I presented was really helpful and supportive and said it was great. And I am now able to run infants on my own...well, with the help of other interns at least. I'm doing all the counterbalancing, talking to parents, running the participants, training people to code, entering data into excel, teaching people to blind code, and everything. Since I just trained people to blind code it for me, we're just starting to get actual results...so it's cool to see whether our (ok...Rebecca's) hypotheses are being supported or not. I'm also helping other interns run theirs and code.) "Ilyse and Brian have been really great. They cook and clean and put up with me well. Their meals are so nutritionally balanced and such...I'm not used to that at all. :oP I haven't worked out at all, but I've been walking to and from work a lot and eating better, so maybe it'll even out some and I'll actually lose weight? We'll see. I've done a lot of shopping with Ilyse. I keep spending more money, but I have gotten some really cute clothes. Eh?" "I've realized that my weekends are almost all planned out with either visitors or trips or something...which is good, because it's not like I really have big and exciting plans at all otherwise. There are 12 other interns at the lab, and they're all really nice-but most of them are living with boyfriends or friends from school or whatever, so I don't think we'll be hanging out outside of work much. This weekend I hung out with Ilyse and Brian-watched a movie Friday night, ran errands and went out to eat last night, and then met up with Brian's cousin (who was very drunk and amusing) briefly. I've been really productive today organizing all my things for work and checking off other random to-do list items. I know I'm a freak with my organizational crap, but if I'm not then my stress level increases by a gazillion." "I've been really moody and overwhelmed and stressed about many things this week, but my BBCB and IOEA and random other friends have kept me sane and reminded me that I'm loved. Thanks for that. I love you guys!" Here were some of the ponderings I had...a little more negative, but relevant: "Seems like everyone around my age is either engaged or practically married or something or out partying every night and going crazy. I am on neither end of this spectrum. I actually feel like I'm practically the opposite of both in some weird way. I know most of this is under my control and I could potentially change it if i really wanted, but I don't think it's that simple. I don't know." "I always knew divorce was common, but sometimes it still surprises me. I hate hearing about couples who seem like they're perfect for each other and extremely happy separating. And I hate that no one ever deserves to go through something like that...and that circumstances are never right for it but sometimes they're worse than should be allowed. I know...life's not fair. I guess it just leaves me even more afraid of it all. Even if I do ever find someone, what are the chances of it lasting forever? Is there forever?" "What do I want to do with my life? Do I want to go to grad school? Am I cut out for it? Can I pass the GRE? Can I get into grad school? Can I make it once I'm there? If I don't want this, what do I want?" "I care too much. I hate seeing my friends miserable, or even slightly upset. I know everyone can't be content all the time and I can't solve all the world's problems, but I wish I could do more. Do something..." So, I pretty much posted both of those entries completely again, but at least the context isn't all as negative. Maybe? I think it's just making this a really long entry. Oh well. This weekend Ilyse and Brian were both out of town, so I was on my own. It was kinda cool though. Friday night I took my time walking home from work. I wandered around Harvard Square and stopped in some shops and bookstores and such. On Saturday I took the T downtown and wandered all over. I started in Downtown Crossing, went to Quincy Market, and then back to Park Street and Boston Common. I saw a high school choir group from Michigan performing, random street performers doing acrobatics or playing music, and people playing frisbee, soccer, and croquet or something. I went to a movie by myself for the first time-saw Madagascar, which I'd been wanting to see. It was amusing-and it was all like parents and their kids in their, so cute. I finished my current book for my little club thingy with Stephie and Mindy while sitting out on Boston Common. I wandered around Borders for awhile, as well as other random stores in the area. When I got back to the Central Square area, I rented a couple movies at Blockbuster and picked up a couple things at the grocery store for dinner. I studied GRE stuff while watching movies last night. I've been getting tired super early though, so I was ready to crash before 11. I also talked to a few people on the phone and caught up, which was nice. Today I tried to sleep in, but once again had trouble. I finished reading an article for work, walked to MIT and walked around a bit, stopped to get an iced mocha and brainstorm for work, and then walked back. I was going to stop at a store and the library near here, but both were closed since it was Sunday. I was kinda excited when a woman with a Boston tourist kinda book asked me where something was and I was actually able to tell her. :oP I feel like I know my way around well enough to show my visitors around (first ones, Nicole and Christina, coming next weekend-yay!). I found where all my music was on my computer and started listening to it all again today...I hadn't listened to my playlist in awhile. And no one's home, so I've been singing along and whanot-it puts me in a better mood. And I was looking at grad school stuff online today too. Ahh. I have no idea what I'm doing. Oy. I still need to decide if this is what I want to do. I know that this program will help me decide that. It's just a scary thought to decide your future, ya know? Sorry. This is an extremely long entry. I don't even know where I'm going with all of this. I blame the coffee. Random thoughts-I'll be 21 in less than a month. Very odd. It's Father's Day and my dad and his children are in 4 different states right now. Shay's at camp in WI, Ilyse is in Vegas for a wedding shower, and I'm in MA. And my mom's birthday is tomorrow too. At least we sent cards? Shay got an 800 on her SAT II Math and a 790 on her SAT Math. I told her I wanted her to take the GRE for me. :oP K. I'll stop rambling now. I guess this entry makes up for my not updating in awhile...times 2million. Hope everyone else's summers are going well. I've sucked at keeping in touch with people if they haven't e-mailed or IMd me. Sorry. :o( I still miss you all!! Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: ace of base-i saw the sign :oP

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May 28th, 2005

12:11 pm - Here... So, I'm in Boston (Cambridge). My dad, Ilyse, and I took a two day drive to get here...not too bad. I drove for about 7 hours of it actually, but I guess I won't be driving for 2 1/2 or 3 months again anyway. We almost hit a deer, a turtle, and a bike that had fallen off the back of a car, but we missed all three. Nice. We got here a couple nights ago, moved stuff in, and went to Harvard Square for dinner. They live in Central Square, which is right between Harvard and MIT. It was one T stop (subway) to Harvard Square, and we walked back...not too far at all. We had dinner there, watched an amusing street performer for awhile, walked a loop or so, and then came back. Harvard Square looks like a cool area...I figure I can explore more this week, and then I'll be going there every day once I start working too. Other than that, Brian made us pancakes yesterday morning (he's really nice about having me here and such). And then we went to the suburbia area to run some errands for their apartment (since Ilyse pretty much just moved in too) and to meet some family friends for dinner. My dad's staying here till tomorrow morning, I think. I don't think we have big plans or anything-I think we may be going to Quincy Market for lunch soon. I don't start work for another week or so, so once my dad leaves and Brian has to work again, I figure Ilyse and I will explore and shop and whatnot. I've never lived in a city before, so this will be a completely new experience for me. Their apartment is in a great location-right at the heart of Central Square. The T stop is a block away, so I think I'm going to get a monthly pass once it hits June and that'll make going everywhere easy. I'm looking forward to visitors. So far, I think the only person who actually has a ticket and is all set is Nicole. But Christina just said she was going to come with Nicole too, so that's exciting. And then Jasmin talked about it, but I haven't been able to get ahold of her. Mindy and Stephanie talked about it awhile ago, but I'm not sure how that's going to play out. Liz and Al discussed it, but Al was unsure. And then I know Ryanne and Amanda are coming, because SAC paid for their visit so we can go to the convention. Yay! I like visitors. See, if I just have people constantly visiting me, I don't need to try to find any new friends here. :oP We're also planning on going to New York some weekend to visit my grandparents. So yeah...we'll see. I was looking at pictures on my computer last night and realized that the ones from my digital camera had the time and date of when they were taken (yeah-I'm slow)...and I got to London a year ago yesterday. That was an amazing weekend. Jane, Lyndy, and I did everything in those 4 days...crazy. I wanna go back. :o( But maybe next year I'll be saying, oh my gosh-this time last year I was in Boston...I wanna go back. We'll see. It seems like I'm always saying that. I always have trouble adjusting to new places and environments. And it's especially hard when I know a lot of my friends are still together and whatnot. Like, I think a group is going to the beach tomorrow. And it's not like I love bathing suits or the water's going to be especially warm, but it's just the idea that I can't be there. Oh well. I know that staying at home all summer wouldn't have been right. Too many people are gone, I wouldn't have found a good job, and I would have gone crazy living alone with my parents while Shayna was gone. Anyway, this is quite a long entry. Sorry. We'll see how much I end up updating this summer. Maybe I'll do it more than I have been recently. ? ? ? Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: um...i hear the shower-does that count?

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May 25th, 2005

12:02 am - ? Can you picture yourself older? Like, your parents or even grandparents age? Can you see your friends you grew up with married or with kids? Your friends from high school? Any of your friends? Do you focus on the past, present, or future? Do you know what you want to be "when you grow up"? How do your priorities play out in life? Do you keep in touch when you say you will? Do you live with no regrets? Is it possible to overthink and overanalyze everything in life? Can one event completely change your perspective on everything? Does every little aspect of everyday life change everything else? Is there such a thing as normal? Is happiness just what you make of it? Is there a forever? Do you believe in fate? Are all lies bad? Do you lie to yourself? Do you stress out or not worry about anything? Is there an in between in everything? Do you feel guilty for anything? For everything? Do you feel guilty for feeling guilty? Are you open with other people? With your family? Your friends? Anyone? Are you scared of failure? Of success? Would you rather know or not know what the future holds? Is everyone excused by their history? Do you miss people all the time? Or things? Are you content? Are you moody? Do you feel out of place? Does life ever get less confusing? Do you know what love is? Which of your memories stand out most? Are you a city/suburban/rural...person? Do you want to live where you grew up? Do you like yourself? How many best friends have you had? Do "only the good die young"? Are we here for a reason? Do you really believe in G-d? Did you like high school? Do you think you chose the right college/after high school/career for you? Is change the only constant? Do you like to travel? Are you competitive? In what? Do you compare yourself to others? Do you feel like you have to prove something to someone? Yourself? Do you like to read? Are you close to your family? Do you still talk to friends from when you were in diapers? From elementary school? Junior high? High school? College? Do you facebook stalk? Away message stalk? Livejournal stalk? Do you have trouble letting go? Do you have a secret that no one knows? Do you keep things bottled up inside? Are you decisive or indecisive? Would you die for anyone? Kill for anyone? Do you want to get married? Have children? Would you have a child for a friend? Do you sometimes feel like you'll be alone forever? Do you have comfort foods? Comfort places? Friends? Situations? Do you think people judge you correctly? How do you think you're seen by your friends? Family? People from your past? What has been your favorite year (age) so far? Your least favorite? Do you feel older than you are? Younger? Your actual age? Do you have life goals? Are they yours or someone else's? Do you act differently around different people? Do you try to please everyone? Upset everyone? Are you a conformist? A non-conformist? Are you girly/manly? Are you stereotypical of your culture/race/ethnicity/nationality/sexual orientation? If you weren't in college (working, etc.) for what you are now, what would you be doing? Do you have a backup plan? Are you independent or dependent? Are you a homebody or can you not stay still? Who is your role model? Do you have more than one? Do you have any? Can girls and guys really be friends? How do you know a true friend? How well do you know your parents? Siblings? Friends? Distant relatives? Do you like having roommates? Living alone? Do you like board games? Puzzles? Logic puzzles? Are you a partier? What is a loser? What do you consider immoral? Do you talk more or listen more? Are you often surprised? Excited? Sad? Does the future seam unreal? Does life seem surreal? How do you know it's not all just a dream? Do you really blow on it? (okay...just kidding-had to add that in there for Rach) How do you keep yourself from forgetting? Does looking at old pictures, journals, and notes make you happy or sad? What do you think you'll be remembered for? Do you hold grudges? Do you forgive easily? What is your biggest fear? Do your friends from different times or places parallel each other? What's the greatest lesson you've learned from a friend? What is the best trip you've ever been on? Where do you want to go more than anything? With whom? Have you dreamed of your wedding since you were little? Did you play with barbies? G.I. Joe? Do you like kids? Elderly? Would you rather be rich and live alone or be poor and have a loving family? Do you volunteer to do good or because you feel like you should? What is your most prized possession? Does it change often? What is your favorite book? Movie? Song? Do you know who your bridesmaids/groomsmen are going to be? What was your favorite toy growing up? Are you completely confused by this entry? Especially after not having updated in forever? I had a different entry, but I decided just to do this instead. I don't expect anyone to necessarily answer any of these questions out loud...just some things to think about. I think a lot during breaks-when I'm not in class or working. I tend to overanalyze and overthink and everything...which is why I don't do so well with breaks. I need to keep myself busy. My previous entry was very stream of conscious and rambling. It was also kind of negative. So, instead of that, I just decided to post a lot of questions...random and weird. Take it as you wish- Oh. I'm home. Leaving for Boston in less than 36 hours...very odd. Maybe I'll post more later... Current Mood: contemplative

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March 20th, 2005

01:57 am - what? sarah's updating? weird... I know. I never update. Except now apparently. Yeah. It's the end of my spring break and I should be sleeping so I can pack and drive back to school and all that grand stuff tomorrow. But here I am. I decided that I need to go somewhere for spring break next year, cause I've been in Schaumburg for the past three years and especially when most of my friends are either out in the real world or at U of I where they have a different break...yeah. We'll see about that. But I got to hang out with Lori a lot and have a great Super China Buffet lunch with Lori and Nicole and my weekends were really fun for this break, because I got to see people and go downtown multiple times and such. And I just always laugh so much when I hang out with people at home...I love you all. Um...yeah. I feel like I should write more since I never update, but I figure the people who really care either already talk to me or can ask me...right? Makes sense to me. WARNING: My survey skills are lacking...is it because I have not done them in so long? Perhaps. Either way, I'm sorry that I suck and my brain doesn't work sometimes...eh? THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1. Sarah 2. Sari 3. Sar THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: 1. tazdg 2. lilgrson22 3. um... THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. My commitment/determination 2. That I try to make my friends and family my top priority and try to be the best friend i can (even if I don't always succeed) 3. Generally a "good kid" (some may call me a goody goody) THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. How I overanalyze EVERYTHING 2. Being highly moody/bitter/bitchy a lot of the time 3. That I'm generally a "good kid" It works both ways... THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: 1. Polish 2. Russian 3. Jewish THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. Losing people I love 2. Never finding happiness or being satisfied 3. Failing at "life goals"/not having "life goals" THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1. Food/water/sleep (duh-figured those could count as one) 2. Talking to/listening to/communicating with at least one person 3. Productivity (even if productivity=fun/relaxation...don't ask) THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: 1. My new jeans that have the crazy pattern on the inside of the pocket (ask Nicole) 2. My pretty blue bra with the lace and diamond-y things (hey...since no one sees it, I have to at least tell people when I'm wearing it) 3. My chai necklace THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS RIGHT NOW: 1. Um...I suck at this game 2. I don't really download music anymore 3. Or buy CDs... THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS RIGHT NOW: 1. Gosh darn it 2. I suck at this game 3. I seriously can't think of anything right now :o( Failure... THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS: 1. Buying alcohol? Does that count? You know me, the drunk...but I figure it's still kinda exciting to be able to do it 2. Applying to grad schools? Does that count either? Wow...I really am bad at this whole survey thing. When every comment ends in a question mark, you know it's not a good sign 3. Let's be honest here...I'm not going to say I'll try a new food, because we all know I'm really picky :oP THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP, BESIDES LOVE 1. Honesty/Trust 2. Good/open communication 3. Laughter TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (In no particular order) 1. More than half of my roommates are engaged 2. My full Hebrew name is Sarah Chana Bat Avraham Yizchak v'Golda Chaia 3. I went to a baby-sitter through 6th grade THREE PHSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE (or same) SEX THAT APPEALS TO YOU: 1. Smile 2. Eyes 3. Personality actually totally changes how attractive I think the person is physically...so I think that counts THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO: 1. Stop feeling guilty about stupid things like not being productive on a weekend day/night 2. Stop checking peoples' away messages over and over when I'm online 3. Eat a ham and cheese sandwich? Hahaha! :oP THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: 1. Reading 2. Working/playing/spending time with kids 3. Not sure if organizations on campus and such count as hobbies...but all of those THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW 1. Find out what's actually going on in the minds of certain people 2. Spend more time with my home friends before having to go back to school 3. Sleep (cause thinking about tomorrow is exhausting, but I kinda don't want to sleep...) THREE CAREERS YOU ARE CONSIDERING: 1. Some sort of research career involving developmental psychology/children 2. Professor 3. Child psychologist THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. Boston (after June to visit Leesee there) 2. Europe...everywhere-back to Bristol, London, and Paris...and to lots of other places-Ireland, Scotland, Italy, Germany...(does that still count as one) 3. Hawaii THREE KIDS NAMES: 1. Rianna 2. Paige 3. Naomi (Not the three easiest letters to work with...) THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. Make sure everyone I love knows how much they mean to me 2. Get married 3. Be a good mother Current Mood: confused Current Music: Drops from Jupiter *Train

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December 24th, 2004

09:10 pm - 2004 So, I haven't updated in almost a year now. I guess after everything with Rachel, I wasn't ready to talk about all of that in livejournal land-and then nothing seemed substantial and worth talking about after that. It's been a year of extremes. I've done a lot this year...and I'm lucky for it all-which is why it's hard for me to say it was the worst year ever, as I know many of us would like to say. It was a really, really difficult year for me. It sucked so much for so many people. Losing Rachel was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life...and even now it still seems completely unreal to me and I can't quite cope with it. And after that, it just seemed to keep getting worse...no one got any breaks. There were people in hospitals, people dying, people hurt in more ways than I can name...which is what made it all what it was. It made me learn a lot and grow a lot (I know-corny, deal with it). I'm not saying I'm so much more mature and wise now...I still don't know anything. I don't know how to deal with things like death and sickness and depression. I don't know how to save the world...wish I did. But I've reorganized priorities and learned how truly lucky I am to have what I have. I may not show it all the time, but I'm so, so, so thankful for the friends and family that I have and all that love. Yeah...I still don't have a boyfriend. Sometimes it seems like I'm the only single person in the world-and that I always will be, being surrounded by couples all the time and never having anyone myself. And I haven't quite gotten past this either, but I have realized that right now, I am thankful for all the love I have in places other than this. I may not be "in love", but I know I am loved...or at least I like to think that I am, by at least a few people. Losing friends through death makes me realize how stupid it is to lose friends in other ways. A part of me wanted to push everyone away and not get attached so I couldn't get hurt, but then another part of me wanted to cling to everyone I had and tell them how much I really loved them and cared. There were some friends who I didn't talk to as much this year as maybe the year before, but that didn't mean that I didn't care or that they meant any less to me. And some other friends, I talked to more this year...I found that there were some friendships I was afraid of losing a long time ago that are back and almost stronger than ever. I'm trying to make this all sound as positive as possible I guess. I can't say I'm "happy" and everything's hunky dory (how do you spell that?). I'm not generally an optimistic person, but I'm trying to make myself believe these things that I'm saying. I know I'm lucky. I know I am. I don't even have to look to the "starving children in Africa" to see this...I haven't even had to deal with nearly as much as some of my closest friends have. But I still have a hard time with it all. I guess that makes me human, right? So, this is really long and pointless rambling. I don't think I'm making sense anymore and my head hurts from all of it, so I'm going to stop now. But here's that survey that everyone's been doing...it took me awhile to do because I thought about some of the answers more than some of the others. I couldn't remember a lot from the beginning of the year-I always think more of the most recent semester and almost forget about the spring before. And so much of that was a blur to me this past year that I probably couldn't remember a week after it even happened. Most of what I wrote was for myself to remember, so you don't have to read it all...I know this entry is long enough in the first place without it. Sorry. I've had a lot on my mind lately... I would say here's hoping that the next year will be better than the year before, but it's hard because I know that life's not going to magically become easier. It just gets worse from here, right? I just realized this year the reality of it all. :o/ Last year started out with probably the best day of the year (in Israel, climbing the Masada at sunrise, hiking in Ein Gedi, floating in the dead sea...) and all went downhill from there. I guess I have no plans for New Year's this year, so maybe it will go backwards...New Year's will suck and the rest of the year will be better? I suppose I can hope. I hope all of you have a better year... 1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Let’s see…went to Israel-climbed the Masada, floated in the dead sea, hiked in ein gedi, rode a donkey, rode a camel, went to the western wall, ate at a kosher mcdonald’s, slept in a Bedouin tent…(and that was all the first week)Experienced the death of one of my best friends…really learned how unfair life is through too many experiences this year. Visited friends in hospitals, took a friend to the ER, watched too many friends in too many kinds of pain. Went to Europe-Bristol, London, Paris, Bruges, Brussels…lived with a host family, went to UWE, made travel plans without adults, saw Big Ben, the London Dungeon, palaces, the Royal Mews, Westminster Abbey, stayed in the Beaver Hotel, saw the Eiffel Tower, Sacre Coeur, Notre Dame, the Palace of Versailles, the mannikan pis, spoke French in France, went on a bike tour, chocolate tour, and boat tour in bruges, went to Berkeley castle, bath, and so much more…Went to Cape Cod, visited a friend in St. Louis-went to St. Louis Zoo and the Six Flags there, learned how much friends and circumstances can really change, lived in an apartment, got my first car, took developmental psych, advanced stats, abnormal psych, managerial accounting, volunteered at normal public library for 10 hours a week, took brit lit, research methods in dev. psych, behavior disorders in children, business finance, marketing, volunteered at Milner library…joined up til dawn, became secretary of SAC…plus much, much more-it’s been a year of change… 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t think I really made a resolution last year…I can’t remember. I don’t usually make any, because I know they rarely happen and I’d probably forget them. So probably not this year either… 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Um…not that I can think of- last December was 2003 and that’s the last I cremember at the moment. 4. Did anyone close to you die? Too too many 5. What countries did you visit? Israel, England, France, Belgium!!!! 6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Less tragedy and hurt for all of my friends 7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? February 23rd is the only one I can think of the moment 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I’ve learned a lot about life this year and made it through. I tried to be a good friend and be there for people…not sure how much I succeeded all the time. So I guess my main achievement is the strength that I’ve gained through things-what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? 9. What was your biggest failure? I guess that’s hard because one of the things I regret the most is something I couldn’t really change. Let’s see… not always being there for some friends when they needed me most. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Um…nothing serious that I can think of right now. Nothing compared to what some friends have dealt with this year. 11. What was the best thing you bought? I don’t know about what I actually bought…but as far as my parents, probably my trips…all of them (well, they didn’t pay for Israel…but in general), and my car 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Um…um…the people who were there for me when I needed them 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I’m going to go with no one’s but my own for the most part. I don’t think I can blame other people for things without knowing what they had to deal with too… 14. Where did most of your money go? Lots of traveling…lots and lots of traveling. And then food and apartment such at school…I really haven’t bought much new clothes or anything this year though 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Um…I didn’t really get super excited. Maybe about my trips? But not as much as one would think…possibly because everything just seemed so surreal this year that I wasn’t too excited about it. My roomies and I were excited about our apartment way before we moved in too…??? 16. What song will always remind you of 2004? I can’t really think of any at the moment. Mandy listened to Yellowcard a lot at some points. Other than that, I can’t think of them right now. I’m sure there are some from certain things… :o/ 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Well, I’m not sure. I think it’s all on a different kind of scale now… thinner or fatter? I think I’m a lot fatter :o( richer or poorer? All I’ve done this year is spend money and I haven’t really made any…oops? 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I’m not sure…can I say less thinking? Oh shoot-that’s the next question. Maybe more relaxing and de- stressing? 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Like I said above, thinking. And if we’re talking completely unrealistically, can I say spending time at hospitals and funerals and whatnot? :o/ 20. How will you be spending Christmas? Um…tomorrow? I will be going to a movie with Jana and Stacey as per usual. Maybe we’ll order some Chinese food later-that’s what Jews do on Christmas. 21. Did you fall in love in 2004? Nope… 22. How many one-night stands? Ha! That’s funny 23. What was your favorite TV program? New one? Um…I didn’t watch as much tv this year. I still love Gilmore Girls, but I got upset with it this year when the characters were acting stupid. I think I need to not get so emotionally attached to things like tv characters. 24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don’t think I hate anyone. No one deserves that… 25. What was the best book you read? I can’t remember what books I even read besides those for my brit lit class that I’ve read really recently. I miss reading though…I’m excited about reading more for fun during this break. 26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Let’s see…there was Mandy’s wonderful recorder playing and singing of “Hannukah”, Amanda’s learning of the clarinet and “Merry Christmas Mandy”, and their wonderful rapping…??? Haha-I can’t remember anything really better. 27. What did you want and get? This is going to seem redundant-all of my trips were probably the biggest thing. Plus my apartment and my car. And friends who can cheer me up no matter what and who are always there for me at school 28. What did you want and not get? A break from all of the crappiness and some good news for once… 29. What was your favorite film(s) of this year? Love Actually-not sure if that was last year technically, but I watched it enough times this year to make it count 30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Brian made us breakfast, Ilyse and Brian saved the day by finding an e-ticket machine for us (crazy long lines at the airport), flew home, um…not much else. Went to Mikey’s I think? 20’s not the most exciting year I guess- 31. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not seeing all of my friends in so much pain. I might be able to handle it myself if everyone around me wasn’t suffering so much more than me… 32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? Um…comfortable? Right now I only have one pair of jeans that doesn’t have any wholes in it. And I bought 3 pairs of pajama pants from Victoria Secret this year. I’d say comfy- 33. What kept you sane? Random messages, cards, and calls from friends, my roommates and hovey buddies’ crazy escapades, post-it notes and to-do lists in my planner… 34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I wasn’t really too into any celebrity or whatever that much-never have been 35. What political issue stirred you the most? A few of them bothered me a lot. When people based everything off of one issue which would not be changed mostly… 36. Who did you miss? I miss too much in general. Rachel, Ilyse, Stephie, Jasmin, Julie and Rich, the rest of my friends from home, friends from school, friends I made in Israel, the rest of my family…who people were-I’m not so good with change- 37. Who was the best new person you met? I can’t make a clear distinction between who I met this year and before anymore. Maybe Julie? My host mom in England? I haven’t talked to her since but she just made our trip even more amazing than it otherwise would have been. She was fun and entertaining, sweet and accommodating, a good cook, and hilarious! 38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Just one? Life goes on, I guess. Life’s a bitch. Life’s unfair. But someone always has it worse. And people always say that-but it’s hard to change things even though you know this sometimes. People will find strength when they need it. The strongest and most amazing people I know are ones who have had to deal with the worst experiences-they just fought through it all. I learned that sometimes it’s okay to be upset about the stupid things. I’d get angry at myself for being upset about the little things when such terrible things were going on, but I found that the little things were what kept me sane-yes, the stupid little things that pissed me off and upset me-made me human. People will change…I knew this before, but I guess I had to learn to let go. I had to learn to let go of some things and hold on to others. I learned not to hold grudges because they’re never worth it. I learned how much my friends mean to me and never to take them for granted (as corny as that sounds). I learned that even with change, some people will always be there…even if you don’t realize it all the time. I learned…a lot. As I'm sitting here, I keep thinking of other things that I should have added about this year in the survey-like possibly figuring out what I may do after college and questioning so many things and...I think I'm just thinking about it all too much. I haven't really talked about all of this at all, so once I start it just keeps flowing...sorry Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: my dad and sister playing the marimba behind me

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June 11th, 2004

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June 8th, 2004

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June 3rd, 2004

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June 1st, 2004

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May 26th, 2004

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May 24th, 2004

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May 22nd, 2004

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January 29th, 2004

10:46 pm - i'll be like everyone else-cause it's kinda cool see, the thing is-i don't even remember going to most of these states. i had to ask my mom which ones i've been to. and some of them i've only been in because i've been on roadtrips to places like Florida and Boston and such. so yeah... create your own visited states map or write about it on the open travel guide

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